What do we do now ?
by Densinew
Summary: Post 9x24 fanfic. What’s gonna happen to our favorite couple after Deeks’ hospitalization? Are-they going to make-up or are-they going to break-up. Will he forget everything about them?
1. Chapter 1

This story is an idea of mine. It takes place after the season 9 finale. Hope you like it and please be gentle if you leave a review. It's my first fanfic and English isn't my first language.

*

Kensi couldn't take it anymore. Deeks has been in the block for hours now and the angst she was feeling waiting for him was killing her. Not knowing if her everything was going to survive was already hard but the fact that her fiancée or ex-fiancée ( she doesn't know anymore) would die after their biggest fight was defenitely worse. She had crushed all his hopes for their future together in an instant and she truly regretted that they had this big conversation just before they went to save Mosley's son. They were too stressed and emotionally unstable to have this talk at this moment. It was almost destined to end like it ended : with two broken hearts.

Nell was sitting with her in the waiting room of the hospital giving comfort to her friend and trying to rassure the federal agent at her best when the doctor came:

**Family of Martin Deeks, asked the doctor scanning the room.**

Kensi immediately jumped off of her chair and ran to the doctor presenting herself as her fiancée. Nell joined her soon after, preparing herself for the worst. She knew that if the doctor annonced that the detective hadn't made it through the operation Kensi would break down and she would never be the same. Of course the team would be there for her but they wouldn't be able to stop her from retreating into herself and rebuild her walls higher than

before.

**How has it went ? He, he isn't, he hasn't... **, the voice of her friend cracking brought the redhead analyst back to reality.

**No, Mr.Deeks is still with us and alive but we lost him once on the operation table so we'll have to watch him closely for the next few days ,because there's still an high risk of complication. We were able to stop the bleeding in his brain but we don't know what will be the extent of his sequels. It can goes to an important headache to amnesia**, said the man.

**Can we go to his room?**, Nell asked the man who saved his friend. She tought that Kensi was going to ask him this exact question as soon as he had stopped talking but she just stood there too shaken by the doctor's news to speak.

**Only one at the time**, the doctor replied. **Mr. Deeks had a big day and he's too fragile for more visitors. I'm sorry but I have to go. His room is the first one at your left.**

The two women thanked him and watched him go. Kensi turned her head in direction of the room and stared at the door. She knew she needed to go see him. The only way to diminue the hurt she felt in her chest was to be beside him and take his hand in hers, because only then, she would have the proof that he his still alive, that her everything is still there, under her eyes. But the brunette wasn't sure that she would be able to see him looking so weak and so bad. She knew it would only add to the guilt she was already feeling for bringing him to Mexico. If she had agreed to leave with him when he asked her to maybe her lover wouldn't be in that critical state.

**Kensi, Kensi?**, the analyst said to catch the attention of the agent. When she saw her friend nodding and retaking her minds, she continued: **Are you going to go see him or you want me to bring you back to your house?**

**I'll, I'm going to his room. I need to see him and I know I won't be able to stay home and sleep in our bed without him if I go home. It wouldn't feel right**, Kensi replied.

**Ok. Then, I'm going to go see Callen and Sam before I head back home. Stay strong, Kens. He'll need you and he won't want to see you suffering or acting like you hadn't slept or eat in a week**, Nell said.

The federal agent nodded and thanked her friend for her precious support during the last few hours. She truly couldn't think she would have been able to restrain herself from assaulting all the doctors that had passed in the room when she had been desperate for answers on her fiancée's condition if Nell hadn't been there to keep her under control. The redhead squeezed the brunette's shoulder before leaving the agent alone. She would have stay if she had the chance to but only one person could go in Deeks one and it was only fair that Kensi was this person.

Kensi finally got up from her chair and went in direction of her lover's room. Each step she took made her a little bit more nervous than the previous one and the few meters that had separated her from the door had seemed more like kilometers with all the time she took to reached the closed door. She finally opened the door and entered the room. The agent hasn't been able to stop the gasp that has escaped her lips when she saw him. The man who was lying in that hospital bed didn't look like her lover. Actually, he didn't even look like he was still breathing. Only the constant beeping in the room was telling the brunette that Deeks was still alive.

**Oh Deeks, what did we do?**, murmured Kensi to the sleeping form of her fiancée in the small bed. She knew he couldn't hear her or even respond to her but she needed to talk to him. She grabbed the closest chair and brought it close to the hospital bed. Then the federal agent sat on it and she gently brushed her fingers over his hand afraid of hurting him.

**You scared me, baby**, she said while the tears she had fought back all day finally ran down her cheeks.

*

That's it for the first chapter. I'll try to post at least once a week and if I can't I'll post two chapters the week before or the week after.

Thanks for the reviews


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 guys! I had already it written down so I decided to post it.

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Deeks' dream:

_19 May 2019 was the day his daughter was born and Martin Deeks swears he will never forget that day._

_The first time he saw the baby he couldn't hold back the tears anymore. She was so perfect to him. The perfect mix between Kensi and him. The few hair she had were light brown and her eyes were so blue, it reminded him of the beach. Kensi said that when she looked into their baby's eyes for the first time, it felt like she was looking into a mirror because her husband had the exact same eyes._

_Martin didn't think that he would ever be able to thank his wife enough one day for what she just gave him. She made him a father. What he dreamed of for the last years finally became reality. He was finally holding his baby girl in his arms. When Kensi placed her in his arms he thought that she was too small, too fragile and that he would hurt her but then his amazing wife that he loves so much saw his hesitation and assured him that he wouldn't break her. She knew how much he wanted to hold his daughter and she didn't want him to be afraid to so the federal agent told her husband how much he wasn't like his father and how much she knew that he was going to be the best father in the world._

_Deeks promised his baby girl that he would always protect her and that he would always be there for her no matter what. Listening to them, Kensi joked and said that his daughter had him already wrapped around her little finger and he laughed because he knew it was true. If she had been able to ask him anything, he would have been the first one out of the hospital room going out to search what she just said she needed. What could he say, she was his little princess. Little princess sunshine Emma Rose Blye Deeks._

_They decided to choose the name together before the birth. At first, their names were mostly for boys, because Kensi thought that the baby was going to be a boy. But when they learned that their bundle of joy was going to be a girl, they started to search for girl's names. Deeks would always propose the names fern or little princess sunshine Deeks only to annoy his pregnant wife and she would always replied that she wasn't going to name any of her babies like that._

_Until one day after work, when they both had been cuddling on the couch watching some bad tv show, he had said that he had found the perfect name. On his lunch break, he had made some research for their girl's name and he had found Emma. Synonym of strength, authenticity and kindness it was the perfect name for their daughter, he had said. Kensi had instantly loved the name and proposed Rose as the middle name. She kinda liked it and didn't knew why but when she heard the name Emma, she immediately thought Rose was the best middle name they could choose to go with Emma._

_*_

_Today, they had brought little Emma home and the married couple couldn't be happier to start their new life. The entire ride from the hospital to their house, Deeks had been nervous. He was the one driving the car and every time he had had to make a stop, he had been very afraid to hurt the baby. Her head his so fragile, he was thinking during the ride to home. Kensi was laughing every time he was swearing because he had to stop soon or when he was making funny face because their daughter had made a little noise. She could see that her husband was already in his protector role._

_After an hour, Kensi, Deeks and the baby were finally home. Kensi took the baby while her husband was taking all their bags at the back of the car._

_Welcome home, baby girl, murmured Kensi when she entered the house. The baby looked at her briefly then reclosed her eyes to sleep. She was defenitly as tired as her mother was. The federal agent had been through 16 hours of labor and she could tell that it was really, really exhausting. She could use few hours of sleep right now._

_The brunette headed upstairs and went to their bedroom where the little crib was waiting beside the master bed. She decided to feed the baby then put her back to sleep so the mama and the baby could sleep at the same time. Kensi had decided to breastfeed her baby because she wanted to feel this connection with her baby when she was breastfeeding her. When little Emma was finished she put her in the crib just the time to change into more comfortable clothes. After, she would take her baby in her arms and rock her to sleep while caressing her little head and keeping her close to her chest. But her husband beated her to it. When she turned back from the closet, she saw him with their princess sunshine pressed on his naked chest. He was going back and forth in the room rocking his daughter to sleep. The detective was singing in a low voice twinkle twinkle little star. She was tearing up looking at them. She would blame it on the pregnancy hormones but it was so cute to see them together. Kensi couldn't help it._

_Deeks put delicately her daughter to sleep not to wake her before walking to his wife._

_We did good, he said._

_She's perfect, Kensi added._

_Yeah she is, but how couldn't she, with parents like us. I mean, you're like the sexiest woman on the planet and I'm not too bad myself so... she was destined to be this beautiful, murmured Deeks to his wife. He saw her smile to that and he grabbed her hand in his before leading her to bed. They both climbed into it and fell asleep as soon as their head hit their pillow._

_*_

_Baby's cries woke him up. He put the covers down and got off of bed. But when he reached his daughter's crib, he found it empty._

_Emma, Emma?, said Deeks getting louder and louder each time that he called her name but no one answered back to him. It was total silence in the house. Deeks started to panicked and ran out of the room calling his baby girl's name over and over again. Where was his precious little baby?_

*

So? I'll alternate between Deeks dream and Kensi at the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello guys! Following a review that I received, the talking will be in **bold**.

*

Later the same day...

Kensi didn't leave his side since she arrived. She spent her time talking to him or caressing his face and his long golden blond locks. Sometimes, she would fall asleep but she would wake up soon after, because of her nightmares. Her worst nightmare was her biggest fear: living without Deeks.

*

In her dream, she woke up in an empty bed and she was in a different house, but she didn't seem to panick. She was just sad and depresssed. She went to the bathroom and started to brush her teeth. And when she looked in the little mirror above the small washbasin, she didn't recognize herself. The woman reflected by this mirror was broken and there were no traces of happiness in her eyes. She looked like she had lost everything.

When she finished to brush her teeth, she put down her toothbrush and stared at her reflect. She then fixed the woman in front of her in the eyes and stayed like that for minutes. She saw the regret in her eyes and the tears coming again. When the first one fell, everything became black.

At first, Kensi thought her nightmare was finished but, then she saw the beach in front of her and heard the sound of the waves. She was sitting on an old towel that she didn't recognize and she was playing with a ring, an engagement ring. Strange, because she wasn't wearing a ring this morning and she had seemed single.

There were few surfers riding a wave and one seemed to catch her attention. He seemed in complete control and enjoying the experience. The woman in the dream recognized him, because when she looked at her hands, she was gripping the ring so hard that her fingers were white. And when she looked up to see the surfer with the blond hair, she saw him. Deeks, her Deeks, was the guy surfing whom catched her attention earlier.

When he finished his wave and started to walk on the sand in her direction, she felt her heart beat faster and her chest contract painfully. She seemed to hope for something or something to happen. She couldn't stay in place and her hands were sweating. He hadn't looked at her yet and it was like he was fixing a point somewhere behind her. He was smiling and he was looking so happy that she couldn't stop herself to smile too. He was coming closer and closer and she thought that she would explode from all the anticipation until he walked past her. She turned her head to see what he was heading to and what she saw killed her.

It was liked someone had planted a knife in her heart and twisted it. What she saw was his new family. A little boy with curly blond hair and beautiful blue eyes and a pretty woman. She was probably his wife and her big belly indicated that she was pregnant with their second child. The woman had long brown hair and green eyes.

When Deeks was near them, his son ran to him saying daddy over and over again till he reached him and Deeks pulled him in his arms. He kissed his cheek's son and put him down so he could continue his sandcastle. After putting the little boy down, he walked to his wife and bend down to kiss her. They pulled apart laughing when they heard their son claiming their attention. He was definitely his father's son.

How could he move on? How could he do that to her? Living his happily ever after without her while she was crying everyday for letting him go away. It was soon too much for her broken heart and she headed back to her car crying quietly for the love she lost.

Unlocking her car's door, she threw one last look at them. A look to the family she could have had if she had left her job. She could see herself as his wife like the other woman was with the very pregnant belly. **I would have been so happy**, she murmured to herself before getting in the car.

(End of the dream)

*

Everytime she had been waken up by this dream, she was crying and having trouble breathing from her sobs. It was so painful to see her life without him and she promised herself that she would do everything in her power to never live this future.

*

Kensi was talking to her fiancé when Hetty came to see her and Mr.Deeks.

**Monty misses you, Deeks and I miss you too. Come on babe wake up for me, **said desperately Kensi to her unconscious partner.

**Can I come in Mrs.Blye or would you prefer that I repass later today?**, asked the legendary boss standing at the entrance of the room. She knew that it was a hard time for the young agent and that she was in a fragile state. So she decided to come and talk to her. She saw what happened when the situation was reversed and that it was the agent Blye in a hospital bed. Mr.Deeks was feeling guilty for her injuries and he needed to talk about everything that was happening before he cracked.

**You can come in, Hetty. I'm sure he would have like to see you, **said Kensi to her boss while she was wiping away the tears that had fell when she was pleading Deeks to come back to her.

**Hummm hummm**, agreeded the little woman. She took a chair and brought it close to Mr.Deeks' bed and Kensi's chair. She then took the woman's hand and squeezed it.

**How are you, my dear**?, asked Hetty after a few minutes.

**I, I...I don't know. I know that he'll wake up someday but in which state? His doctor told me that he could forget everything for the past year when he wakes up and maybe he will never remember them again. I can't stand with the idea of him forgetting me and us for the rest of his life, **finished the federal agent with tears pooling in her eyes.

Hetty took the agent in her arms and held her.

**I'm sure Mr.Deeks is going to be fine Mrs.Blye. You just have to believe it**, said the wise woman. **And if not, the team and I will be there to support you. Stay strong and focus on the important : Mr.Deeks well-being. **

**Thank you, Hetty, **said Kensi. She was looking at her fiancé with such determination that Hetty was amazed by it. The woman that had almost reached her breaking point during the last days, had regained all her strength and was ready to fight. She knew at this moment that Mrs. Blye was going to fight for Mr.Deeks and that she wouldn't give up. No matter all the fears she had, Kensi Blye was going to surpass them and stay focused on the important: her fiancé.

* 

Chapter 3 finished! Youppi! Hope you liked it. Please leave a review.


	4. Chapter 4

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Another dream...

_Martin had just opened his eyes when he heard little footsteps coming in direction of the bedroom. He decided to reclose his eyes and pretend that he was still sleeping._

_Few seconds after, the door opened and the two little intruders came into the room. Seeing no one moving in the bed, they approched it and they both went at different sides of it. Noah was going to his mother's side of the bed while his sister's was heading to their father's._

_When the two reached their parent's side, they murmured their name to be sure they were still sleeping. When they didn't hear a respond, they looked up and shared a look. The older nodded to his younger sister and at the signal, the two little Deeks tickled their parents to woke them up._

_Deeks, who was already awake, understood their plan so when his youngest jumped on the bed to tickle him he catched her before she could start. He wrapped his strong arms around his two years old Emma so she wouldn't be able to use her arms and machiavelic fingers. He then started to tickle her and her beautiful laughter filled the room making her dad smile._

_In parallel, at the other side of the bed, Noah was tickling his mother. Kensi, whom didn't have the same luck than her husband, didn't had time to stop her son and reverse the roles as Deeks did._

_**Stop, daddy**, was saying a laughing Emma._

_Deeks released his daughter soon after as did his son with his wife._

_Both parents took their kids in their arms and kissed their forehead. Noah gladly returned the hug and the kiss to his mama. Emma did the same but she kissed Deeks entire face making him laugh another time._

_**What do you two guys think about dad's special frittatas for breakfast this morning ?**, asked Kensi. **Wouldn't it be delicious? **_

_**Yes!****,** screamed the kids as soon as Kensi finished her question. They loved their dad's frittatas and it had been a rather long time since they had had it. They jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen Noah faster than his little sister._

_**Come quickly, dad!**, shouted Noah as he passed the door._

_**I'm coming buddy,** replied Deeks to his adorable five years old son. But the detective didn't move from his position. Instead, he stayed in bed and turned his head to his awesome wife._

_**Good morning, beautiful**, he said._

_**Good morning. So you were awake and knew their plan but you didn't prevent me huh? Don't you care for your poor wife?, **said Kensi in a teasing tone._

_**You know I do but I couldn't warn you without them knowing that I was awake and I couldn't do that or my plan wouldn't have worked, **replied Deeks leaning in to give her her morning kiss that they missed because of the children._

_Oh did he would have liked to do more than just kiss these sweet lips this morning but it was too late and when you are parent, you soon learn that you don't always do what you want when you want. Even their kiss was interrupted by their children when Noah screamed at them to hurry up because Emma and him were angry._

_Kensi and he pulled away and they both put pyjamas on before going into the kitchen to join the two smaller versions of themselves._

_When they entered the small, cozy kitchen, they found Noah helping Emma to climb on the chair of the counter because it was to high. She wasn't able to climb herself without a little bit of help._

_Deeks saw that his son was struggling so he decided to help him. Usually, he was the one helping his little girl to sit on the chair and Noah was able to himself._

_**Let me take care of her**, said Deeks to his son._

_When he was in front of his daughter, she looked up at him and put her arms up._

_**Daddy, help me**, asked Emma with her cute little two years old voice. **Me wanna sit on the chair. **_

_**That's why I'm here, baby girl,** replied Deeks._

_He grabbed his little girl and put her on the chair without effort. She was a skinny girl with blond hair and dark eyes like her brother._

_**Thank you, daddy**, said Emma when she was finally sitting on the chair._

_During this time Noah had climbed on the other chair and Kensi had took all the ingredients out of the frigo. She was currently washing the vegetables while talking with their son._

_**What do you want to do today, buddy?**, asked Deeks._

_**My first surfing lesson!**, replied his enthousiaste little boy._

_Since his fifth birthday, Noah kept asking his dad to teach him how to surf, because he was always saying to him that he would take him on his first lesson when he would be five. Unfortunatuly, they didn't had the occasion to before today._

_**What do you think, Kens?**, asked Deeks to his wife.** It's good for me but I want to be sure it's good with you too. **_

_Kensi could hear the playing tone of her husband and his grin told her that he was only playing with his son's patience. She knew her husband wanted it as much as Noah did. So she decided to play with him._

_**I don't know if I really want to, though I'll go if Emma want to come to keep me company**, said Kensi sure her little girl would say that she wanted to go. Both her children had Deeks' love for the beach and water._

_**Do you want to go at the beach Emma?**, asked Deeks with his soft voice._

_**Please say yes, Emma. I really want to surf**, said a desperate Noah._

_Emma agreeded happy to have her mother for herself and her brother let out a big sigh of relief. Deeks and Kensi laughed when they saw how much their son was releived._

_Deeks finalized his frittatas and all family feasted._

_*_

_They arrived at the beach and both children were excited. Noah about his surf lesson and Emma about sandcastles and cuddle sessions with her mom._

_Kensi was laying on a towel reading a book while Emma was trying to do a princess castle with the sand near her. The boys were both in their swimsuit. Noah has received his at his birthday as his surfboard._

_Today, Deeks wanted to show him how to stand on his board and how to push himself up on it before he learn how to catch a wave._

_They had been practicing for about an hour when Kensi called Deeks' name and he could hear the urgency in her voice. So he looked up at his wife to see what was wrong but when looked she wasn't looking at him. She was fixing a point behind his head and she seemed scared but he didn't know why._

_When he looked in the direction that she was fixing seconds before, he immediately spotted the little blue surfboard floating. His son's surfboard. But when he looked for his son, he wasn't there anymore._

_* _

Probably the last chapter about Deeks' dream. Please leave a review. Chapter 5 soon.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 guys!

*

It's been a week and Deeks hadn't woke up yet. Kensi was trying really hard to stay strong but seeing no change everyday even if she was begging him was not helping her.

Each day, she would come in his room with breakfast for two hoping that he would be awake and then she would leave near midnight to take a shower. Sometimes, she would stay home, but most of the time she didn't have the courage to sleep in their bed alone. So she slept on a small chair or couch at the hospital just like he did when she was in a comma. She also couldn't bring herself to leave the hospital too long, because she was scared that she would miss something as important as his wake-up or his last breath.

Every day or so, her mom would come and keep her company. Today wasn't different. It was 10:30 in the morning, and both women were silently drinking their coffee. Kensi was fixing her fiancé and Julia was staring at her daughter. She was worried and she could see Kensi's state getting worse. Her daughter wasn't eating much and the big dark bags under her eyes told her lack of sleeping. As a mother, she didn't like to watch her baby girl slowly disconnecting herself from the reality and it was affecting her health. Julia was sure that if Martin woke up and saw his fiancé like that, he would be worried about her and do all his possible to help her.

Martin Deeks, the man her daughter loved, the man she was living for. And she could tell that he was feeling the same way about her, because when Kensi was in the comma, he was exactly like her right now. Desperate and scared. Desperate to see the other wake up and scared to see what the future had in store for them.

During her lastest discussion with her daughter, she learned everything about their fight and their complicated situation. When Kensi's mom had said that she didn't need to be scared, that Martin would wake up to marry her, Kensi had broke down in tears and had told Julia all about it. Told her how she wasn't sure if there was still a wedding and how unsure of their future she was.

Kensi had said that on their last mission, he had said to her that he was still her partner, at least one last time. And that when she had asked him what he would do when he would come back from their mission, he had replied that he had no idea.** It really scared me, mom**, had said her shaken daughter yesterday. **He was implying that he was breaking up with me and that we were over. **

At first, she had been surprised. How two people whom love each other that much could just break up and threw it all away. She knew how deep their connection was and she thought that they both wanted the same future : a happy marriage and few little amazing grandbabies with curly blond hair and beautiful blue mistamatched eyes. But she was obviously wrong.

Today, she was remarking things she hadn't before. For example, how often Kensi was staring at her engagement ring. Not that she hadn't before, but her look was different. It was almost nostalgic like it was her past. Also, she saw how was her look when she looked at him. It wasn't her normal look when she was looking at her fiancé. It was more like a pleading look to come back to her yeah, but to keep her in his life too.

Julia finished her coffee as she terminated her thoughts then put it down on the little white table beside the bed. After putting her cup away, she started to talk with Kensi, because she needed to do something before she start to get bored and Kensi needed to get out of her solitude a little bit.

**Did the doctor said anything about Martin? When they think he is going to wake up or if he made progress?**, asked Julia finally breaking the heavy silence in the room.

**No. He said the same thing than yesterday and every other day. That Deeks is going to wake up soon or not. That it depends of him and that they don't know if he'll have amnesia**, responded Kensi while stroking tenderly her lover's blond curls.

**Humm...**, made Julia. She was thinking about another subject of conversation than the wedding that would distract her daughter a little bit.

But during Julia's break, Kensi was still thinking about her last paroles. He'll wake up when he want, she remembered clearly, hearing the doctor's voice in her head.

**Maybe he'll never wake up**, said a resigned Kensi. **Maybe he just don't want to come back to me. **

**Why are you saying that baby girl?**, asked immediately Julia alerted by what her daughter just said.** You can't really be thinking that. I'm sure Martin is doing whatever he can to come back to you and see you again. **

**How can you say that, mom?,** asked Kensi. **How can you be so sure about that? If he wanted to, he would have open his eyes days ago. If he really wanted to see me again, he wouldn't have kept his eyes shut when I was begging him to come back to me crying, **almost screamed Kensi. At this point, the federal agent was taking shaky breaths and was on the verge of crying.

**Come here, baby**, said Julia. She stretched her arms and Kensi collapsed on her. She was crying so hard at this point.

**I, I can't do it, mom. I need him. I can't lose him. I can't lose us**, tried to say Kensi while catching her breath.

**Shut. It's okay. It's going to be okay. He won't leave you. Shut, baby it's okay. Breath, Kens**, said Mrs.Fieldman to her daughter. At the same time, she was rubbing her back in circles trying to calm her.

Kensi's breath slowly came back to normal but she stayed in her mother's arms a little bit longer needing the comfort and the affection she had missed the last weeks. She was badass-Blye but Deeks had softened her and this was a particular situation. She hadn't allowed herself to break down like this since his hospitalization, but she needed to get it out.

**Thanks, mom**, thanked Kensi when she redressed herself.** I, I...**

**It's okay, Kens**, cutted Julia. **Everybody needs to be comforted sometimes. It's normal. **

Yeah, but It isn't my normal, thought Kensi.

*

Finish! Hope you liked it. Deeks will probably open his eyes soon but who knows? Please leave a review. I wanna know if you like it or not.


	6. Chapter 6

Another chapter done. Will Deeks wake up? Read to discover.

* 

It was late in the afternoon and Kensi was alone with Deeks. Julia had left few hours before to get prepared for her night out with her friend. Of course, she had proposed to stay if her daughter needed her, but Kensi had refused saying that she wanted to stay with him alone tonight. So here she was talking to her unconscious fiancé just like he had did when it was her in an hospital bed.

**You'll be happy to know that Callen and Sam are out of affair, babe. Sam had only reopened his stitches on his leg and Callen had broken ribs. They were lucky. Their doctor let them go home today. The guys are okay so you can wake up now, Deeks. You're the only one missing**, said Kensi. She had been talking like that to him for two hours now. She told him about their house, Monty, her, their moms and the team. When she heard no answer from him, she restarted to talk, this time a lighter subject that she wouldn't end begging him to wake up like she almost just did.

**I don't know if you can hear me, but mom told me today that the little restaurant where we liked to eat just reopened. We'll have to go there when you'll be awake, right?**. Even to Kensi's ears the subject seemed off and without interest. So, when she looked down at her fiancé and that she saw no change, she wasn't surprised or discouraged.

It's seemed impossible, but Kensi thought that maybe she could wake him up if he reacted at one of the thing she said.

**Yeah, you don't care about an old resto when you're in a comma. I understand. I just don't know what to talk about anymore, **said the federal agent. She grabbed his hand and stroked it. She wanted her partner to wake up and hold her in his arms. Then, they would talk about their fight in the garage and get married soon.

She thought a lot about their fight in the last week and about what she was going to do. Resigned or stay? Family or no baby? Deeks or no Deeks? Deeks, but she didn't know if she was ready to leave the NCIS and try to fall pregnant.

The increasing beeping of machines pulled her out of her thoughts. She immediately looked at her fiancé fearing the worst.

**No Deeks, stay! Stay with me,Deeks. You can't leave me. Okay? You can't leave me**, said Kensi emphasing on each word. She had grabbed his hand and she was holding it like her whole life depended on it. Tears were falling and cascading freely her cheeks.

The doctor and the nurses, alerted by the sound, crashed in the room and push her out of the way. A kind nurse with blond hair gently took her arms and took her with her.

**Mrs. please come with me. You need to trust us and let our team take care of your fiancé. And for that, we need space. Maybe it would be better if you go take a walk and breath a little bit, **said the nurse in a gentle tone. Seeing the hesitation on the woman face, she gently moved them near the open door and promised that she would go find her right when they are finished.

**Okay**, accepted numbly the federal agent. She didn't want to go, but the nurse was almost pushing her out of the room and she knew it was for the best. But still she needed to speak to him before leaving his room. She returned to look at him and stood in the door frame. She saw the medical team and their franctic movements. All of them trying to save her fiancé's life and she felt a wave of gratitude wash over her while looking at them. Of course, it didn't increase her panick and the tears hadn't stopped to fall, but it reconforted her a little to see that they were doing all they could.

**I'll come back, Deeks**, said Kensi one last time before leaving the room.

Each steps she took was taking her farther away from him and she couldn't stop herself to think that maybe it was the last time she had spent with him alive. She was clenching and declenching her fists along her walk. Trying to stop the tears. Trying to stop her fears from creeping in. Trying to forget her dark thoughts. He would come back to her. She needed to believe it, because if there was no more hope, there was no more Kensi.

When she reached the end of the corridor, she fixed the white wall before her and stretched her arms in front or her. She put her palms on the wall, one feet closer to it than the other one and then, she released all the tension in her body. Her head low fixing a point between her feet.

What are we going to do, Deeks. I can't fight for you if you don't return the favor. I know you're trying to open your eyes. The doctor said it. You try to come back, but it's not enough. If you try to wake up and in final, you end up dead anyway. Why all the efforts? You can't give me hopes and then snatch them away from me. It's not funny anymore, murmured Kensi to herself.

**He's okay**, said someone behind her. The stranger placed his hand on her shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.

Kensi jumped a little not having heard the other coming. She regained her position then turned to see who it was since she hadn't heard the voice well.

It was the little nurse from before. He was okay. Deeks was okay.

Kensi ran to his room eager to see him and ask the doctor what happened. When she entered the room, Andrew, his doctor, was checking something on his pad. On his pad were all his patient's document.

She walked the few steps that separated her from him and retook his hand, not letting go this time. She scanned with attention his body to capt any difference, but she found none. His face was as peaceful as it was before. Like he was in a profound sleep.

**What happened doc?**, asked Kensi when she was sure that her fiancé was really okay.

**We dont know with certitude**, responded the man. **But his life was never in danger. It seems that he reacted to something you said or he was really close to wake up, but didn't succeed to. That's why the beeping of the machine sped up. It was his heartbeat monitor. With the recent events my team and I, we think that Mr.Deeks will come out of his coma. **

**Thank you, doctor, **said an hopeful Kensi to Andrew.

After the doctor left, she sat down on the old hospital chair, never letting his hand go away. She looked at him lovingly and caressed his hair. She deplaced the few hairs that were on his face and then leaned down to kiss his lips.

**Come back to me, baby. I'm ready. I've waited long enough. We've waited long enough. **

*** **

Wow. Wasn't what I had in mind when I started to write this chapter. Promise Deeks will wake up in the next chapter. Sorry for the long period between my last post and this one, but I am in my session exam so...

Whatever. I'll try to post this weekend. Please leave a review. I wanna know what you think's gonna happen.


	7. Chapter 7

Another chapter!

*

Two days, it's been two days since the doctor told Kensi that her fiancé would wake up soon and yet, nothing had happened. She was an impatient person and everybody knew it. Deeks knew it. Still, he wouldn't wake up. At least, he was moving a little : gripping her hand, turning his head a bit in her direction when she was talking and sometimes, she could see his eyes moving under his eyelids.

She was currently asleep on his chest, one of her hand in his and the other one serving her as a pillow. She discovered soon during his hospitalization, that her only way to have a good night of sleep was to sleep on his chest. Every night at home, they would fall asleep with her head on his muscular abdomen and one of his arm around her waist. She couldn't sleep without it.

She had tried in the past. When their relationship was still young and that they both wanted to keep them as a secret, they had took two different bed on one of their assignment, because she was too afraid that Sam or Callen went in their room to check on them. But after two hours, the couple was still awake and had spent the last hours turning in the bed. So she had climbed into his bed and the two agents had fell asleep within a minute.

The federal agent woke up an hour after, during diner time. And she was hungry. _Probably what woke me up, _thought Kensi as she heard her stomach rumbling. The young brunette got up and kissed Deeks on the forehead.

**I'll come back soon, babe. Just gonna grab something infect to eat downstairs in the cafeteria. Don't you dare wake up while I'm not here, **said Kensi in a gentle tone to her fiancé before leaving the room.

She rarely had to leave his side to eat, because Roberta would come everyday with an homemade dinner. Badly, she couldn't come today and Kensi was forced to leave Deeks' side.

The hallway was deserted and that relieved the agent. She was in no mood to try her best to smile at the nice nurses working and she would scare everyone with a face like her. No make-up, barely five hours of sleep and she was aching everywhere. Not her best looking she ever had.** I'm sure Deeks would say that I'm beautiful even if I'm at my ugliest, **murmured Kensi to herself. **Or laugh at my face then try to be forgiven with a ton of cheesy compliments. Yeah, definitely the second one. **

With a new smile on her face, Blye entered the elevator ant put the button to go to the first floor. Five minutes and a bad music later, she exited the small cabin. She went to the cafeteria and bought a chocolate muffin and some already prepared fruit. _The only food eatable here,_ thought the agent.

**Excuse me,** said a little voice behind her.

Kensi turned her head to look at who was appeling her and recognized the woman. Tall, blond hair and green eyes, made the beauty of the girl in front of her. Her husband was staying in the room next to Deeks' and they never spoke together before. The surprise past, the young agent responded.

**I already saw you, didn't I?**, questioned Kensi.

**Yes my husband is in the room next to yours. I'm Amanda, **presented herself the blond woman.

**Hi, I'm Kensi. **

Kensi shooked the hand Amanda was giving her and asked her if she wanted to eat with her. Yeah, Deeks was alone, but the solitude was killing her and she needed to change her thoughts.

Amanda agreeded and they sat at a table near them. Kensi unwrapped her muffin and Amanda opened her salad. Both women were silent waiting for the other to start the conversation. Kensi was fixing Amanda analyzing her while she was slowly eating her salad.

**What brought you here?, **asked Amanda finally breaking the silence.

**My fiancé is in the comma. We had an accident and he hit is head pretty hard. And you?**, asked Kensi curious.

**Liam, my husband, got shot during an altercation. He was doing the groceries when it happened, **responded Amanda. **What is your fiancé's name? **

**Deeks, Martin Deeks, but he prefer to be called Marty Deeks, and you what's your husband's last name?,** asked Kensi**. **

**Liam John. It was good to speak to you Kensi, but I have to go. Thanks for the company and the little distraction, **said the blond woman.

**Same for me, Amanda. Good luck, **said the federal agent.

**Thanks, Kensi. Good luck to you too, **said Amanda before leaving the area and exiting the hospital.

Kensi watched her leave and finished her food. Then, she went back to Deeks' room.

*

**Hey babe, I'm back**, murmured Kensi to Deeks when she came back to his room.

She sat down on "her" chair beside his bed and told him about her meet with Amanda.

**Her husband is in the room just before ours. He got shot doing groceries. His name is Liam. It's crazy, right. Getting shot buying fruits. You imagine? Of course not, because you would say that I don't buy fruits only unhealthy food, **laughed softly Kensi.

His right hand moving capted her attention. She grabbed it and asked him to squeeze her hand harder. She was in a frantic state. He never grabbed her hand tighter when she ordered him to do so. Maybe he was waking up and hearing her.

**Come on, Deeks. Open your eyes for me. I know it's hard, but try for me, baby. Please, **pleaded Kensi.

She watched him carefully while encouraging him and after a moment, Kensi finally saw his beautiful eyes.

**Hey, welcome back, baby**, said Kensi with her voice wavering. She was crying of joy and she couldn't stop. She kissed him as soon as she welcomed him back. But when she looks up to look in his pure blue eyes, he seemed confuse. She leaned back in her chair before speaking. She couldn't believe it.

**Do you recognize me?** **Do you know me, Deeks?**, asked Kensi crying harder than before and the tears of joy had been replaced by tears of desperation and fear. Fear of losing him and her by consequence.

Deeks didn't know what to say to this woman. I didn't recognize her, but she was so broken. He didn't know if he had the courage to tell her the truth. No, Martin Deeks didn't know this beautiful brunette. He would remember, that he was sure. He decided to tell her. He really wanted to know what had happened to him and who she was. Why was she crying on this chair while looking at him?

**I, I don't know you. Can you call the doctor. I wanna know what happened to me,** said difficultly Deeks. His voice hadn't been used in a long time.

Kensi felt like someone had just stabbed her in her heart. Her chest was clentching painfully and she just wanted to believe that he was joking as always, but the look he had remind her about the truth.

She got up and wiped her tears as much as she could.

**I'm gonna look for your doctor. It will probably take a minute**, said Kensi before leaving the room as fast as she could.

**He forgot me**, said quietly a broken Kensi as she passed the doorframe.

* 

Another chapter done. Happy for Deeks? I am. He's finnaly awake. But what is gonna happen to Densi? You'll discover it in the next chapters. Please leave a review (I won't stop to ask, so why don't you leave a review?:) 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8! Sorry for the delay:(

*

Kensi looked for a doctor everywhere, but she couldn't find one. And that was just adding to her state of desperation. Nothing was working and everything was escalating. She was calling doctor Andrew in every room she passed in front of and the shocking states of the patients and few nurses she disturbed didn't stop her. She knew she had woken up some injured people who needed to rest but, she couldn't be caring less than now. Her fiancé wasn't remembering that he was her fiancé and didn't even know her or he thought so.

A nurse named Laurence finally stopped her and asked what was going on.

**My fiancé just woke up from his coma, but he has amnesia**, said an hysterical Kensi. She was talking so fast that the nurse almost didn't understand her.

**Who is his doctor?**, asked gently Laurence.

**Doctor Andrew. Please call him. My fiancé is really not good**, answered the federal agent.

**I'm calling him,** replied the kind nurse. She called him on her monitor and asked him to go to Mr.Deeks room. He was awake, but had memory loss, she said to him.

Kensi was pacing the room listening to the conversation. She probably should have call someone to help her and support, but only Deeks was on her mind. He was still alone and it had been a long time. What if he had left? Would he go to his ancient apartment? He didn't know that he was living with her now. So much things could happen and she wouldn't be able to refund him if she wanted to. He was an undercover officer, an excellent one and she didn't know him anymore. Was he still going to the same spots they loved going to? Was he still the man she knew by heart? Maybe not and that stressed her a lot.

**Doctor Smith is heading to your fiancé's room. You should go back there too to explain to him the situation,** said Laurence interrupting her thoughts.

Kensi nodded and thanked the nurse. She walked fast to his room and arrived before the doctor. She threw a look in the room to be sure that Deeks was still there. To her greatest relief, the detective was still there, lying still and fixing the wall in front of him.

She felt pity for him. She couldn't imagine what it was like to forget a big part of your life and didn't want to experience it. Yeah it was hard for her. And maybe she had lost her fiancé even if it wasn't because of their fight. And maybe it was breaking her heart. But perhaps it was better to end like this. He didn't remember anything so he couldn't remember their life together. He couldn't remember how she broke his heart before going to Mexico. He couldn't remember all his expectations he had for their life that she refused to him. He couldn't remember when he got tortured by Sidorov. He couldn't remember how she felt when he had sent to her his ultimatum so there was nothing keeping him with her. He wouldn't have had regret his life with her if he went away now. She knew that if her Deeks had still been there, he would have had felt guilty for breaking up with her when it was a legetimate move from him. She couldn't give him what he deserves.

**You'll forget all the pain I caused you,** murmured Kensi to herself. **You always had deserved more than me and I knew it. I just had been dumb enough and so in love that I had pushed this thought away. But the reality caught me up. You realised that you can have everything you want, because you deserve it. And I am the evil one whom can't give you all those things , but still want to keep you in her life even if I know that you would be happier with another woman. So now I give you up. I won't fight for you to remember us. You don't deserve it. I know how amazing it is to be love by you, Martin Deeks. And I really wished that I was the one for you as much as you are for me. Every girl loved by you is blessed and I hope that the one whom you'll choose to be yours for the rest of your life will realise the chance she has to have you as her husband, because you'll love her until your last breath. I loved you so much, Martin Deeks. I'll always will. **

The tears were blurring her vision when doctor Andrew came. When he saw her, he asked her if she needed a moment.

**I know it's hard for you, Miss.Blye and I would understand if you need a moment to breath and relax. If you don't want to, you don't have to come with me in the room and stay while I ask him my questions**, said the doctor in a gentle tone.

**It's okay. I wanna hear what he remember**, replied calmly Kensi. Her confession had calmed her and she was in a strange state of peace. Deeks was the one controlling the situation now.

Doctor Smith nodded and Kensi and him entered the room. Deeks turned his head to see them when they passed the doorframe. Kensi smiled warmly to him before taking place in the chair next to his bed. Deeks watched her the entire time with attention and curiosity. She intrigued him. Who was she? The doctor checked his vital signals during this time and took place at the other side of the bed. He explained to him all his injuries and the accident. Kensi didn't say a word at all. Doctor Smith had told her that he needed to remember her by himself. When he finished his explanations, the interrogation began:

**How do you feel, mister Deeks?**, asked Andrew. **Do you feel any pain? **

**I'm fine. Feeling a little bit dizzy, but nothing to bad. Don't need drugs for the pain, doc**, replied Marty.

**Great. Now if you're okay with it, I'd like to ask you few questions. But it's not an obligation, **doctor Smith said.

**It's okay, doc. It's for my memory loss, isn't it?, **questionned Deeks.

**Yes, mister Deeks. What year are we?, **started the doctor.

**2008, **said Marty without hesitation.

**What's the last thing you remember?, **continued Andrew**. **

**Going home after taking out for a walk my dog, **said Deeks.

**Do you know this person, mister Deeks, **asked Andrew pointing Kensi.

**No, I don't, **finished the detective.

**Great. Thank you, mister Deeks. Push this button if you need help or if the pain's too strong a nurse'll come to you. I'll come back tomorrow morning to see you. Is it great with you, sir. No question? **

**It's perfect, doc. Thank you. **

The doctor left the room and Kensi followed him outside. The stayed near the room and the doctor assured the federal agent that her fiancé would pass an exam tomorrow for his memory. She thanked him and watched him leave. She was going to stay for her partner and help him remember his job at NCIS. The team wanted to help too for sure. They were their family after all.

Kensi looked at Deeks then said goodbye to him.

Tonight, she was going to sleep in their bed for the last time. Their house was full of memories of them together and it would be to hard for her to stay there. She hoped that her last night at home would be peaceful.

*

OMG! What did I just do? I love this chapter, but it definitely wasn't what I had in mind for it. This story isn't an amnesia story so you don't have to worry about it. There will be an happy ending, but they'll have some obstacles on the way.


	9. Chapter 9

Maybe you don't understand why I made Kensi act like she did. This chapter should help you a little to understand her motives more. Hope you like this chapter:)

*

The sun was down when Kensi unlocked the door of their house. She had cried a lot during the drive from the hospital to here. Yeah she had decided on her own to let him go, but still it didn't mean that she wasn't hurting. She still wanted him as much as she did at the start. A part of her wanted for him to remember them on his own so she wouldn't have to let him go. Kensi knew that she wasn't obliged to do it, but when you have a chance to save the one you love the most from pain, what do you do? She knew their relationship hadn't been all bad. They were happy, truly happy. They had found someone to love and they were loved in return. They hadn't had to pretend they were living another life with the other and they had shared their deepest secrets. But in the end, they broke each other's heart and she didn't want him to relive it all. What is it gonna change if he doesn't remember the famous Densi? Nothing. It will only be easier for him to restart his life. Life he would have restart without her anyway. She was doing that to preserve herself too. Kensi knew she wouldn't be able to live their break-up if it was him asking to. Because it would mean that she had failed him and that she was losing another man she had gave her heart to. She couldn't go through that. Lettting Deeks go was her best option.

Kensi wiped her tears with her sleeve and entered the house. Monty went to greet her, happy to see one of its masters. She petted him and drop her bag beside her. She went on her knees and started to talk to him in an ununderstantable language for humans while scratching his belly. Its enthusiastic yelps made her smile. Month really was the best companion. 

When she finished to play with him, she went to the kitchen. She was starving and only wanted to eat ice cream in a bubble bath. Kensi had always ate her emotions and tonight was one of her most emotional night. She took an ice cream jar in the freezer and a spoon. Her movements were slow and she looked like someone had obliged her to continue to live. The federal agent opened the ice cream jar and took a big spoon of it. It was delicious and so perfect for an emotional wreck like her. The federal agent grabbed the food and went in the bedroom. She put the ice cream pot on her bedside table and a picture of Deeks and her capted her attention. On the frame, they were at the beach and she was in his arms. You could see her looking at him lovingly while Deeks was smiling his cutest smile. 

**I'll miss you, Deeks,** said Kensi with the voice cracking. **I'll miss us so much. **

She reposed the frame and retook some ice cream. She would need it a lot tonight. Maybe more than what she thought if she was going to remember every moments they had passed together. 

*

An hour later, Kensi was in a warm bath, the ice cream pot next to her and her phone in her hand. She was looking at her album photo and she had been for fifteen minutes now. And yes, she was still crying, but how couldn't she. Her heart was clentching painfully in her chest every time her eyes dropped on another photo of them. Them at the beach, them at their house, them at the office, them at Kate's wedding,... always smiling and in love. Two engaged people happy to had finnaly found their true love. Why did it have to end like this? Because she was Kensi and she didn't deserve happiness. Because she was Kensi and every men she loves leave her. Because she was Kensi and she wasn't going to have an happily ever after. It wasn't a possibility in her future. She knew that her life was destined to end like this since her dad's death.

She was going to need to inform her mom, Roberta and the team of his memory loss and eventually of her decision. She knew it wasn't going to be easy to convinced them of letting her do what she wanted. But she didn't care. Her choice was made and nothing could change it. She only needed them not to talk to Deeks about her and him. 

That night, Kensi wore one of his old t-shirt hoping his smell would be enough to make her fall asleep fast. But it wasn't. Laying on her side, she was fixing his. She was almost able to see him there. He would be smiling at her and petting the sheets beside him inviting her to snuggle against him. He was always doing it when he was seeing that she couldn't sleep. Those nights, his comfortable presence, his unique smell and his gentle caresses on her back would lull Kensi to sleep. Her vision of him slowly disappeared when she remembered that there weren't going to be anymore nights like those ones. The heartbroken federal agent rolled to his side and put her head on his pillow. The smell of the beach and of gunpowder was still there. Maybe she would be able to have a somewhat peaceful night after all. 

*

The next morning, Kensi woke up late but didn't feel like she had just had a long night of deep sleep. She got up even if she didn't wanted to and went into the kitchen to prepare herself a coffe. She needed it. 

Next thing she did was to text Nell to come as soon as possible. She was her closest friend in this situation and the brunette knew that the little redhead would be able to understand why she was going to do what she wanted to do. 

*

Another chapter done! Only Kensi this time. Hope you liked it. Deeks will not be in the next chapter as Nell and maybe the moms and the rest of the team. Please leave a review:)


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 finally there. Sorry for my errors in the text. Good reading:) 

*

Kensi slowly drank her cup of coffee waiting for her friend. She knew Nell was probably nervous, because she had replied to her text within a minute. She was probably thinking that Kensi had really bad news to announce her like Deeks' death. Just at the thought, agent Blye gripped firmly the counter till her hands were white from the pressure.

*

**But Deeks can't have died**, thought Nell while driving to Kensi's house, **because Kensi would have had texted me from the hospital not their house, right?**, tried to reassure herself the little redhead becoming more and more anxious.

**Yes, I'm sure Deeks is alive...but maybe he will need respiratory assistance for the rest of his life and Kensi's needing me to decide if she choose to let him live in a vegetable state for the rest of his life or letting him go. Oh my god, please don't be any of those situations. I can't go through that**, said Nell completely panicked now. She was so tensed her shoulders were starting to hurt. **Their house is really to far away. I'll die from all the stress before arriving there. Why can't I be there faster?**, murmured a pissed-off Nell.

*

Fifteen minutes later, Nell parked her car in Kensi's driveway. **Finally**, cried out loud the analyst clacking her car's door. The little redhead ran to the door and knocked . She was so anxious that she couldn't stay still. She was eager to see her friend and learn everything about Deeks' state. She deeply cared about the two young agents and couldn't imagine what would happen if Kensi had tell her to come only to announce her bad news.

After what had seemed like hours, the door opened on the tall brunette. Nell scanned the federal agent with her eyes to head to toes, but couldn't quite decide on what to think. Kensi was looking good as always but tired and sad. She was wearing skinny jeans and an old LAPD t-shirt. **She wouldn't be looking that good if she had bad news, right?**, thought Nell looking at her colleague, **but her eyes are so sad and her smile isn't reaching her cheeks. **

**Hey, **greeted Kensi.

**Hey,** responded Nell listening carefully at her friend's tone trying to find out why she had called her.

Kensi opened the door and erased herself from the entrance inviting Nell to come in. Her right hand was holding the wooden door and her left arm was pointing towards the interior.

Nell silently entered the house and followed Kensi in the kitchen. The empty ice cream pot was on the counter, reminder of the previous day of the agent. She quickly took the ice cream and put it away not needing to remember last night and her broken heart.

**Coffee?,** asked Kensi.

**Yes, please**, answered Nell.

The air was tense and Kensi was keeping her back to Nell preparing the coffee in silence. Kensi's atitute was worrying Nell ans she decided that she needed to push her friend a little.

**How are you, Kensi**?, started Nell

**Good...I, I'm good**, said an uncertain Kensi. **How are you?**

**What's going on?**, said Nell not bothering to answer the question. She knew it was only a tactic from Kensi to gain some time and avoid the subject. **Why did you wanted me to come, Kens? Is it Deeks? Is he...**

**No, no,** cut the brunette. **He's... hum, he's just... He... **

**What, Kensi?**, asked the analyst more and more discouraged by the lack of response of her friend.

**Deeks has amnesia**, said quitly Kensi.

**Oh my god**, said a shocked Nell. **How do you take it? Does he remember you? Does he remember NCIS?, **fastlysaid Nell. The redhead woman had put her mug on the table behind her and was standing in front of Kensi ready to take her in her arms and cry with her depending on what she was going to say.

**He...he doesn't remember, Nell. He doesn't remember working with us and he didn't remembered me when he saw me. He still thinks it's 2009 and not 2018,** said calmly Kensi.

Nell didn't understand why Kensi was so calm about this mess. Her fiancé wasn't remembering her and their couple life. If it was her, she would be crying non stop and trying to do everything she could to help the one she loved.

**Oh Kensi. I'm so sorry,** said Nell taking the agent in her arms and holding her tight. **I'm sure everything is going to be okay and that he'll recover his memory soon. **

Kensi didn't respond but Nell felt her tense in her arms. She wasn't crying like the analyst thought she would do and didn't seem really affected by the situation. Something was wrong with Kensi.

Nell stepped back from Kensi, but kept a contact with her touching her arm and squeezing it a bit. She searched her friend's face and looked into her mismatched eyes. They weren't what she expected to see. Her eyes were dry and where Nell expected a at least a trace of desperation and sadness, she saw nothing. Kensi wasn't letting her see through her mask and it interrogated her. Why was she acting this way?

**Kensi, what's going on?, **Nell asked.

**I don't want him to remember!, **blurted Kensi.

**What!, **exclaimed Nell.

Kensi sighed and went to sit on the couch. She fixed her hands resting on her lap and toyed with them. She was avoiding Nell's look standing in front of her desperate to know what Kensi meant by : I don't want him to remember.

**Kensi! What do you mean you don't want him to recover his memory? What are you talking about?, **asked firmly the ananlyst to her colleague.

**It means what it means, Nell!** replied Kensi getting louder. **I want him to forget. I want him to forget everything! **

**What happened, Kensi? You can't be serious right now. You want him to forget everything? You want him to forget you? Don't you love him? His your fiancé for God's sake!,** said Nell louder too.

**You don't understand, Nell! **

**Explain to me, then, **said Nell softly.

Kensi took her head in her hands and took a big breath.

**Deeks wanted to break-up with me. And if he doesn't remember, he will...**, tried to say the federal agent.

**Stay with you**, completed Nell.

**No, that's not what I meant. He... I broke his heart, Nell. And I don't want him to remember all the pain we were living at the end. I want him to forget us and move on without me as a burden. I want him to have his happily ever after without sacrificing anything he wanted like kids. I know that maybe he would have choose me over his desires, but I don't want him to. He deserves the world, Nell and I can't be selfish and just ask him to accept everything and stay with me. He would endure all, but when another woman will want him and stick around ready to give him what he always wanted, I would have to let him go, because deep down I would know that it was what he deserved. I can't go trough that, Nell. Please, understand me, **plead Kensi with glassy eyes. She was desperate to convince Nell that it was the best option, because if she could convince her, it meant that there was hope that her mom and the others would follow her too.

**Kensi... I understand, but I can't let you do that, **said softly Nell taking the brunette's hand in hers. **You love him and he loves you. You can't live without him and the same goes for him. Beside, if the man loved you once as deeply as he had, he will necessarily remember you and what you meant to him. **

**No, no. He'll..., **started to contest Kensi.

**Stop, Kensi. I know you want to deny it but you can't. He will remember you and I'm sure the doctors said so. And if he doesn't, I'm sure he'll remember the love he felt for you or even refall in love with you, **argumented Nell.

**I won't let him. I won't let him remember or refall in love with me, said stubbornly** the federal agent.

**Kensi...**

**No, Nell. I asked you to come, because I thought you would understand. Guess I was wrong. I didn't really need your agreement. My decision is already made and you can't change it, nobody can, **said Kensi with determination. She had stood up during her speech and was now pacing back and forth in the living room.

Nell understood that the conversation was over and went to the door with the intention of leaving, but stopped before opening it.

**Kensi**, called Nell.

**Yes, Nell?**, said Kensi stopping and listening.

**I think you're making a mistake, but I won't tell anybody till you're ready, **quietly replied the little analyst.

**Thanks, Nell. I appreciate it, said Kensi grateful. **

The redhead nodded then left closing the door behind her.

*

In the same city, kilometers away, Deeks was lying in his hospital bed deep in thought. Today, new specialists had asked him questions about his life and what he remembered. All to analyze the importance of his memory loss and observe him. It would help them to identify the problem and then help him.

The questions had been fine and the specialists okay, but when they had asked him about a girlfriend, he had seen himself lying in bed with another woman but he couldn't see who it was. She was on her stomach and her hair was covering her face. It had troubled him. Who was she? Were they together or was it just another one of his one-night stand? The interrogation had continued, but he couldn't stop to think about her.

And now few hours later, he still couldn't stop himself to think about her. What was she to him?

**If she was my girlfriend or my wife, she would be here right now**, murmured Deeks to his empty room.

The woman in his vision had brown hair, seemed tall and had a back somewhat muscular. She was probably beautiful. If only he could see her face.

What the dective had forgotten was the woman present when he had woke up. If he had did so, maybe he would have made the connection between her and his beautiful stranger.

* 

Wow! My longest chapter so far. Hope you liked it. I'll try to post another chapter tomorrow and please leave a review:)


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry guys! I was with my friend camping and didn't have any wi-fi. I couldn't post, but I'll try to post more chapters this weeks. Good vacations everyone and good reading!!!

*

Kensi was sitting on her sofa, head in her hands, since Nell had left. Their conversation was replaying over and over in the federal agent's head. Why hadn't Nell understood her? Why hadn't she agreeded with her plan? Kensi thought that her friend would have understood, because Nell had been there when she had needed someone to talk to after Deeks "broke up" with her four years ago. She had seen how hurt Kensi was and how much pain this event had caused her.

**She should have understood that I didn't wanted to go through all that again**, said an exasperated Kensi. _And it would have been worse, so much worse than last time, she thought. Because now, I know what it feels like to have him as a lover. I know how much happiness he can bring to me and that I'll be his for the rest of my life. He owns my heart. _

Kensi's thoughts were interrupted by her phone's alarm.

**Shit, I have to go****, **murmured Kensi pissed. She quickly grabbed her keys and drove to the hospital.

Nell refusing to understand her reasons was frustrating and deep down, she was a little disappointed. She needed a friend to support her and she had hoped it would have been the analyst. She was so broken and knew she needed to be hold together before she broke down in a million pieces. Before Mexico, Deeks would have been this person, now she was alone and completely scared of the future if she admitted it to herself.

*

**Hi, doctor, **greeted Deeks' doctor Kensi in a random hospital corridor.

**Hi, Miss.Blye**, said back Doctor.Smith.

**How is he?**, asked the tall brunette concerned about her past fiancé.

**Mr.Deeks' vitals are getting better everyday and he started his meeting with a specialist that should help him for his amnesia. Mr. Jackson, the one seeing your fiancé for his memory loss, want to meet you to discuss some things about the patient. He should pass later today to find a moment for this meeting which would be suitable for both of you. Would it be okay with you, Miss. Blye or you'd rather have him to pass another day? He can also contact you if it's better,** said gently Smith.

**I don't leave this hospital anytime soon. He can pass whenever he want, **responded Kensi.

**I'll tell him to pass before noon. I have to go, but if you need anything or have any questions you can call me. I'll be there as fast as possible**, said doctor Andrew before going to his patient's room when Kensi nodded to him signaling that she had understood.

Deeks' room was in front of her. The door was teasing her to open it. So close, but yet so far, thought Kensi. Taking her courage in her hands, she walked the few feet separating her from the entrance of the room and opened the door in one fluid motion.

**Doc, I...**, started Deeks before he saw the tall brunette entering the room. The detective had already had two appointments today in less than two hours and honestly needed a break from all this attention and questions. But he stopped right away when he saw the beautiful stranger smiling hesitantly at him as if she was not really sure of what brought her in this room.

**Can I come in?**, asked Kensi unsure if she took the good decision coming to his room so soon before having the time to think about what she was going to say. Her visit could complicate all the situation, most importantly his questions and her answers to them. What if he remembered their relationship but not their fight? What was she going to do? Stay engaged with him and take advantage of his forgetfulness or tell him that they eventually broke up and weren't in a relationship anymore? _Please forget everything. _

**Yeah, come in. If I continue to talk to myself like I'm doing, they'll send me to the psychiatric aisle saying I'm crazy,** tried to joke Martin. _Strange, I just thought that I didn't want anymore visit and I invited her to stay. I was even... happy to see her. Damn, she's so beautiful! _

**You're beautiful, **murmured Deeks, whom had been staring at Kensi long enough for her to notice it and make her uncomfortable. But when the words left his mouth, he immediately regretted them. _Please god that she didn't hear it. Please god that... _But Kensi had did and her face showed how much surprised she was.

**What? What did you say?**, asked quietly Kensi not sure if she heard well or if it was just her brain tricking her. _He couldn't have said that could he?_

**I, I, **struggled Deeks. _Shit! She heard it. _**I said that you're beautiful, **said confidently Deeks the second time watching carefully how tall woman in front of him would react. Surprise left place to horror then something else was in her gaze. Something else he couldn't let himself hope so. _What is she gonna do? Is she gonna slap me or blush like an high school girl? Oh my god, she's blushing and that's because of me. She's so adorable now. I want to hold her in my arms and never let go. _Deeks expired loudly and shook his head. He really needed to shake these thoughts away and ask her why she was here and how they knew each other.

The ambience was awkward and both of them were trying to avoid each other's gaze, none of them bold enough to start the conversation. Deeks tired of not knowing who she was spoke first and broke the heavy silence in the room.

**Who are you?,** asked softly Deeks searching Kensi's eyes for answers but only saw more mysteries.

**What do you remember exactly?,** asked Kensi before advancing anything.

**LAPD, some hot dates and they, my doctors, told me I worked for NCIS for eight years now and that's all I remember, **responded the detective curious to know where she was in those categories. _A hot date? An old suspect? A coworker? Who is she? _

**That's great I guess, **stated Kensi.** But how much do you remember from NCIS? Did you remember faces or...? **

**Actually, not that much but I had some visions or flashbacks if you want that could be memories from my time there. Like an old office that I didn't recognize as the LAPD one and a small lady with glasses that scared the hell out of me, **laughed Deeks and Kensi joined him thinking about Hetty and her odd habits.

**Yeah it most be OSP, our office and Hetty is the small woman you saw in your flashbacks. She's our boss and she's a hell of a woman**, said Kensi still smiling from Deeks' impression of Hetty.

**Our boss, so we worked together, **replied Deeks more as a statement than a question.

Kensi relieved that he made the connection by himself only nodded confirming his thought. Seeing that he was curious about her, she continued her explanation about NCIS.

**My name's Kensi Blye. I'm your partner for eight years now and there's also Sam and Callen working with us in the field. Nell and Eric are our analysts and mostly work with everything electronic. And as I told you before, Hetty is her boss but Mosley replaced her when she was missing, **started Kensi. She decided to continue when she saw him only more eager to learn more about them than he was at the start. His eyes were fixing her so intensely, like he couldn't stop doing so and that was making her uncomfortable. Plus she was hyper stressed that if he continued to stare at her like that, pieces of their past would come back to him.

**At first, you didn't really like us and we didn't either. You were the temp of the team as we called you and we all thought that you were just a guy taking nothing seriously and your jokes were annoying us, me particularly. But more the time was passing, more we learned to appreciate you and today you're a real part of the team. The team is a family and we all support each other when something hard happened to one of us. And you're family, so me and the team will help you as long as you need. I, hum, we really care about you, **finished Kensi. _Stupid you. I care about you. No! We care about you. He needs to think that we were all close to him, not me more than the others. _

**What happened to me? Why did I forget everything?, **questionned Deeks. He was curious to know what mission brought him here and why he was the one injured.

Kensi closed her eyes and took a deep breath as painful memories were coming back. Fight, cries, sobs, pleading, _Deeks...Stop! Mexico and only Mexico. Nothing else. _

**Mosley sent us to Mexico to bring back her son. He was kidnapped by his father, a criminal, years ago, and she wanted him back. So we flew to Mexico as soon as we could and interrogated people around town to make a plan. I went with horses at William's house and pretended to give classes to the kid. Everything went as planned, Mosley and her son were reunited and an helicopter took them away to somewhere else safe. But we had to go back at the house to sort Callen and Sam out of there. When both of 'em were up in the car and that we were driving away, William and his men were waiting for us on the way and threw a rocket at us. We got an accident and there was an explosion. Turk, an agent established Mexico, helped us to escape and now you're here in a hospital, Sam and Callen got cleared yesterday and I wasn't too injured so I didn't need a long hospitalization, **terminated Kensi softly.

Deeks was shocked by everything's that happened but the only thing he could think about was her.

**You sure you're fine? I mean with an accident like that and everyone injured, you sure you okay?, **asked Deeks unsure about why he was so persistant.

**Yeah, I'm fine, **said Kensi surprised by the question. _It was so much like Deeks..._

_I'm her partner and partners do worry about each other, _tried to convince himself Deeks. But deep down he knew it was something else and that the feelings he had were too strong to be strictly partnership with this Kensi. Something else was between this two and they both were aware of it, yet he didn't know what. And looking in her mismatched eyes, he saw that she knew. She knew why he was feeling like this, but she wouldn't say a thing. He was sure of that. Her eyes were pleading him to stop whatever he was thinking about as if she was afraid of something.

*

Hope you liked it. The next chapter should be up soon. Please leave a review:)


	12. Chapter 12

_Fine I'll back away. If I want to have any chances to eventually know what is going on or was going on between us, I won't pressure her. I don't know why, but I just know it's the best way to make her open up to me. _

_She is a strong woman for sure. Not every women becomes agents and far less actually stays. She could have ran away years ago and yet here she was, a remarkable agent with a promising future._

Her eyes were telling him everything. When she was speaking, she looked at him in the eyes and never take them of until he did and her voice was confident and transpiring authority. But he could tell she was vulnerable to. She had been hurt in the past and Deeks found himself desperate to know what happened and how she became the woman she is today.

**Deeks, **called Kensi. **You kinda zoned out a few minutes, there. Are you okay? **

**Oh yeah, just thinking about stuff, **said Deeks trying to make it sounds like it was nothing important. _I was thinking about you, Kensi. Only about you. _

_*_

Meanwhile, few kilometers away, Nell was knocking on Kensi's mother's door. She tried to respect Kensi desire and her promise to her. But how can you let your best friend make the biggest mistake of her life? She had to stop this. Every time she had thought of Deeks and Kensi seperated, she hadn't saw a bright future for either of them : only broken hearts and cries.

**Nell?**, said a surprised Julia. **How can I help you? **

**Miss. Feldman, did you talk to Kensi lately?, **asked Nell nervous.

**Not since two days ago. I had a trip with my friend that we had planned months ago and Kensi convinced me to go, but not without making her promise that she would call if anything changes about Deeks' state, **said Julia, but when she heard the end of what she just said, Kensi's mother took a big breath and covered her mouth with her left hand. **Oh no! It's deeks isn't it?, **exclaimed Mrs. Feldman. But before Nell could say a thing, Julia had restarted.** Oh my god, Kensi! Where is she? Why didn't she call me? Please God that she's okay and didn't do anything stupid., **said a panicked Julia.

**Nothing happened to Deeks, but your daughter is gonna make the biggest mistake of her life**, said a serious Nell trying to communicate the urgency of the situation with her gaze to Julia. Nell saw the incomprehension flashed over Julia's face and asked if she could come in. Kensi's mother opened the door and stepped back to let her enter the house without saying a word still shocked by Nell news, or actually lack of it. _What is going on? _

**Nell, what is going on?, **asked Miss. Feldman. **What did Kensi do? **She was trying to repress the bad feeling that was winning her, but Nell's last words resonated in her head. _Biggest mistake of her life? What did my baby do? _

Both women were sitting at the dinner table, Nell playing with her hands and Julia fixing intensly the redhead's head worry evident in her eyes.

**Deeks has amnesia, **declared Nell. When she didn't hear a thing from Julia, she continued. **He doesn't remember the last ten years and Kensi...Kensi doesn't want to help him to remember their love life. **

**What?,** interrupted Julia. **Kensi wanna do what? Why would she do that? **

**They had a fight before their last mission and Deeks called off the wedding. **

**No..., **said Kensi's mother sad by the turn of event. **Why would he do that? Deeks loves my daughter. What was their fight about? **

**Of what I understood, he wanted kids and Kensi didn't. He probably wanted it to be their last mission, but Kensi refused, **responded Nell not really knowing all the details about this famous fight. It was frustrating because this fight had destroyed everything in her friend's life and yet, she knew nothing.

**Kensi wants children. When we were organizing the wedding, a month ago, she was smiling like she was the happiest woman alive while fixing a wall and so I asked her what she was thinking about. She had said **: **_a little girl with brown hair and blue eyes playing with her younger brother._** **She had said that after the wedding, she would tell Deeks about her dreams and maybe then, they would start trying to have a baby, but she wasn't ready just yet, **Julia paused a moment to remember the scene and smiled at the memory, but her smile faded away when she remembered that there wouldn't be any wedding or grandchildren. **She couldn't have said that she didn't want kids with him. It's impossible. **

**She didn't tell me much about their argument Miss. Feldman, but it isn't what matters right now. Kensi is gonna let Deeks forget everything about them and both of us know that she's gonna regret it for the rest of her life especially when she'll see him on the beach with his new wife and children, **said Nell, her heart clentching a little for her friend at the thought. _She couldn't go through that, _tought the analyst.

**What are we gonna do?**, asked Julia ready to act.

**Well...**

*****

In Deeks' hospital room, Kensi was watching Deeks sleep, her mind miles away.

*

_The bed was cold and so was she. Sleeping without him wasn't what she had wanted, but when she had came out of the bathroom and had seen him lying facing the wall, shoulders tense, and hearing no invitation from him to climb in bed with him, she had unwilling went to the other bed, at the other opposite of the room. His last paroles had shaken her deeply and she hadn't been able to stop her sobs and broken cries when the water was on and nobody could hear her. **I'm still your partner, at least one last time. You haven't said much since we got here. Not a lot to talk about. No? Listen I just want to save this kid and get the hell out of here. And then what? I have no idea. **I have no idea, that's what he had said. Not something implying that they'll figure it out or that they were gonna talk. No, I have no idea. Did he really had that little of hope left about them and their future? The man who had said that she was his everything and his world wasn't even sure that they were gonna make it. It hurts. _

_That night, in this motel room in Mexico, she had dreamed of better nights and of a beautiful wedding on the beach. _

_*_

**What were you thinking about during that night, **murmured Kensi to herself.

That night, the federal agent had hoped that her ex-fiancé was deeply hurt as badly as she was because it would have meant that he still wanted her despite their differences. She had hoped that imagining a future without the other was as painful as it was for her or that he was craving her touch as much as she was.

Deeks moved in his sleep and distracted her from her thoughts. _Better this way. If I continue like that, I'm gonna need to go to the bathroom to dry my tears, _thought Kensi.

The tall brunette had met Deeks' specialist for his amnesia this afternoon and it had been strange. A little because of his questions about Deeks' past but the strangest was when he had asked her about their engagement. She had moved on her chair, replaced her hair and looked everywhere but him, her eyes posing on Deeks. **_I lied. There is no engagement. He is just my partner. I really needed to see him after the accident and knew that if I said that I was his fiancé, I would get to see him with no complications fast, _**_she had said._That was the only thing she had came with and the doctor had seemed to believe it because he had nodded and went along with his questions accepting her answer. It wasn't a total lie because she had already did this exact thing two years ago when Deeks had been injured on a mission.

Martin Deeks was single and hadn't had any serious girlfriend since a long time ago. That was the Deeks she had described. He loved the ocean, coffees, a good movie, traveling. _He didn't love Kensi Blye. No, not this Marty Deeks._ He was a charming man caring and loyal. They were all family a the office and she was his best friend and partner in the field. His father was dead and his mom on a cruise with her new boyfriend. She hadn't contacted her not wanting to worry her. Yes, every member of the team had come visit him during his coma, but didn't know hat he had amnesia. Yeah, she was going to tell them when Deeks will remember more things about them.

The interview had been exhausting. Always masking the truth with lies and making sure that she hadn't made a mistake.

Her meet with the doctor had happened three hours ago and now it was dinner time. Not seeing any signs that her ex-fiancé was going to wake up anytime soon, she decided to go downstairs at the cafeteria of the hospital to buy something to eat. Kensi kissed Deeks' forehead, something she only allowed herself to do when he was asleep, then left the room. He was her addiction and she needed to touch him even in the most innocent ways.

*

Deeks had made the same dream than the night before. In his dream, he was awake and watching a beautiful brunette sleeping next to him in his bed. He couldn't see her face, but he could see her naked back not covered by the cover. Every time he was seeing this scene, his heart was bumping faster and clentching in his chest. He loved her, Martin Deeks was sure of that. But who is she?

That's when he woke up and opened his eyes on his beautiful partner. She had these amazing brunette curls and mismatched eyes so unique, and... that's when Martin Deeks understood. Kensi Blye and the stranger in his dream were the same person.

He quickly closed his eyes not wanting her to know that he was awake. He needed to think about his new discovery. His heart was racing and he was trying to calm his breathing.

What was he going to do? Confront her about his dream or ignore it for a few days till he had more flashbacks to be sure that it was a real memory and not a piece of his imagination? The second one was probably the best because she could always deny the first one about his dream.

Suddenly he heard her getting up, and then come closer to his bed. She paused a few seconds and he could sense her eyes on him. _What is she doing? _Before he had time to think about it any longer, he felt warm lips kissing his forehead. She lingered there and when she pulled back she softly said his name in a broken voice. She was pleading him but he didn't know why.

When he heard the door closed he finally opened his eyes and took deep breaths. Her kiss had waken up something in him, but he could only feel it.

He reclosed his eyes letting the memory of her lips on his forehead overwhelm him. And something in his head unlocked.

He remembered.

*

Sorry for the delay, I had a writer's block and didn't know what to write. Don't really like this chapter, but hopefully the next one will be better. Please leave a review:)!!


	13. Chapter13

Thanks guys for the reviews. I really appreciate them. Hope you still like my story.

*

He remembered. Finally those names were no stranger to him anymore.

Sam, Callen, Eric, Nell, Hetty and Kensi.

His Kensi.

_*_

_This is Tracy, Danny's girl._

_And that's Jason Wyler._

_Really, Deeks. That's the best they could do. _

_I'll call you Fern. No, Deeks don't..._

_Fern, baby girl..._

_I'll come back._

_You're the only person I trust. _

_Our thing. So there's a thing?_

_Yeah, I mean..._

_Promise me that you'll never get yourself killed. I promise._

_You smell like sunshine and gunpowder. Two of my favourite things. _

_How's that for communication? _

_It's a love story. _

_I wanna be at my place right now with you. _

_What are you doing to me Deeks?_

_Falling in love with you. _

_It's not going to work._

_I'm standing on my frozen lake. _

_We'll figure this out. All we got to do is talk about it. _

_Your partner's been reassigned Mr. Deeks._

_Agent Blye is missing. _

_I got you. _

_About our thing. Um yeah, I don't know what to do with that. _

_She's beautiful. __You're beautiful._

_All in. _

_Mom, this is Kensi. Kensi, this is my mom. _

_Martin Deeks, you're being arrested for the murder of Francis Boyle. _

_I love you. _

_Deeks? Deeks! _

_Forgiveness. _

_We are moving in together. _

_Do you have something to tell me? _

_Was it too crazy for to people to get married? _

_A small wedding on the beach. Yeah, it could be magical. _

_Love conquers all. _

_I'm just saying you would also be an amazing mom._

_Kensi? Kensi, baby? _

_Kensi Marie Blye will you please wake up and marry me? _

_I wanna go home. _

_I just wanna say thank you. _

_Martin Deeks will you marry me? What the hell yes!_

_You're my world. No, you're mine. _

_And how's Kensi feel about being married to a bartender? _

_I mean, how much longer can we roll the dice. _

_We should have a live band at __the wedding. Another thing— the chocolate fountain? I'm into it._

_Deeks, you have a bar. Correction we have a bar. _

_You're fired Detective Deeks. _

_Let's go down there, save this kid, and then let's be done. One last mission and we're out. _

_How much do you need? _

_You know the longer we stay in, the better the chance this end poorly for us. _

_But what about when we're having kids? _

_What if we don't have kids? _

_I don't think we should be getting married. _

_You're choosing to do this now? Call off the wedding? _

_What you're saying to me is that if I don't leave my job, you're leaving me. _

_Don't-don't get on the plane baby. _

_I'm alright. _

_I'm still your partner at least one last time. _

_*_

Deeks was becoming agitated. He was extremely tense and sweat was recovering his entire body. His eyes were refusing to open as the images of the past ten years scroll before his eyes. His heart monitor was screaming yet nobody was hearing it.

**Kensi, no...**

Nobody was there to hear his pleads or sort him of his misery. He couldn't do it anymore. Kensi being tortured. Kensi in a coma. Kensi kidnapped. These memories were burning him and still he couldn't stop them to come.

His eyes were moving under his eyelids frantically and his knuckles were white from gripping his hospital cover so tightly. His head turning to left, to right, to left, to right,...

**Kensi...don't leave baby. No...Kensi. **

At first, his brain showed him all the cute and happy times of his relationship with Kensi. Kissing at the beach, holding beach, cuddling on the couch and sweet I love you murmured in the comfort of their bed. His heart was in heaven and his body at peace. He had finally found his true love, the one.

But after, it was time for the hard moments. And that's when he started to lose it. He and his heart weren't ready to relive all the pain he had suffered. Kensi taken away from him, Kensi in the arms of Jack,her ex fiancé, Kensi trapped under an helicopter and unconscious not responding to his pleads, Kensi kidnapped, Kensi... And then Sidorov.

Deeks' cries echoed in his hospital room when Kensi came back from her lunch break. Panicked, she ran to his bed and tried to calm him. She was gripping one of Deeks' hand and speaking softly in his left ear.

**Deeks, it's okay. Come back to me. Nobody's gonna hurt you. Come back, Deeks, **said reassuringly the brunette in her partner's ear. Her voice was firm but soft. The hand that wasn't gripping his was stroking his hair peacefully.

Deeks finally came back and opened his eyes slowly listening to Kensi's voice, the only thing bringing him a feeling of safety and security.

**Hey, Deeks, **said Kensi still stroking gently his hair and standing really close to Deeks. They were looking at each other, eyes in eyes. Kensi searching his soul to know what brought him to this state of panick and Deeks trying to see the love that he saw in his memories, in Kensi's eyes. And he found it. Barely hidden from him was pure and strong love. She cared about him a lot for sure and the way she was stroking his hair was a familiar feeling that he loved. It was calm and relaxing and distracting him from his nightmares.

Kensi was sensing a changement in Deeks behaviour. _He looks at me like he knows everything. But it's impossible isn't it? _

Then out of a sudden, Deeks, never breaking eye contact with Kensi, lifted his right hand and gently caressed Kensi's cheek. Tears were pooling at his and her eyes. She from all the love she saw in his eyes, a love she thought didn't existed or wasn't strong enough anymore, and he from relief. Relief that he had been able to remember, relief that she was still there, relief that he had found his true love back.

No words were spoken as Deeks leaned in to kiss her. All brunette's insecurities vanished away when his lips touched hers. It had been days since she had last kissed him and she thought that their last kiss, before all the mess of their fight, would be their final one. She quickly gave in the kiss, transforming tentative and slow to passionate and desperate.

For Deeks, having Kensi kissing him was amazing. He had missed these lips so much during the last days before the accident and he had thought that maybe he wouldn't get to kiss her anymore after the mission. Maybe they really were too different and breaking-up was the best option as much hard as it would be for both of them. But now, kissing his partner and fiancé, he realized that he couldn't give up on that. He couldn't give up on the best thing in his life.

He reluctantly broke their kiss when air became necessity but stayed close so that their foreheads were touching.

**Kensi..., **wispered Deeks. He was still stroking back and forth her cheek but this time love was in his eyes. **I love you, Kensi.**

Kensi closed her eyes unsure how she should respond. Does he remember their fight? Does he remember how their relationship was crumbling before the accident? Does he remember that he wanted to leave when she wanted to stay?

Kensi opened her eyes again but this time she was going to stay calm and make sure that he remembered everything including the last week. She needed to keep her hopes down so she wouldn't get too hurt if Deeks didn't want her anymore.

**Deeks...What do you remember?**, asked carefully Kensi. _Stay calm, Kensi. _

**Everything, **answered the detective without hesitation.

**What do you mean by "****everything"?,** an unsure Kensi asked**. **

**I remember all, Kensi. I remember us, our engagement, our relationship and partnership and the guys too. I'm sorry that I forgot you, baby. I love you so much, **said Deeks**. **

Seeing no reaction or sign of happiness on Kensi's face, Deeks started to doubt. She wasn't responding or reacting to his declaration. _She's supposed to be happy, isn't she? _

**Kensi? We were together right?, **murmured a disappointed Deeks to Kensi. She responding to his kiss meant something right? She wouldn't have if she didn't like him. _Right? _

When Kensi heard Deeks' hesitation in his voice she understood: he didn't know about their fight. He wasn't even sure about their relationship. He probably just liked her and tricked himself into believing that they were in love. Which was true before but not anymore. His flashbacks were probably real but he didn't need to know that. All her plan came back to her and she decided that he really was the best option. _Deeks doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want you. Don't let yourself go back in your relationship with him because when he'll remember everything, he'll leave you and you can go through that again. Your heart is already too broken and fragile to be played again. Come on, Kensi. You can do it. _

**No, Deeks we weren't. I'm sorry if I let you think that, **said Kensi breaking her heart in the process at the sight of Deeks' falling face.

**But... you, you kissed me. Why would you do that if we weren't together? **, asked Deeks not letting go.

_Damn, that kiss. I knew I shouldn't have let myself kissing him back. What am I going to say. _

**I, I don't know what took me, but don't care about it. It meant nothing, **_Come on, Deeks. Let it go. We aren't in love, final point, _thought Kensi.

_It meant nothing? Is it true? It didn't seem like it. Stop thinking like that, Deeks! Your brain made up false memories including her, because you find her cute. That's all! Nothing is going on between you too. Partners, just partners. _

**Okay, yeah sorry. It was stupid, **said Deeks trying to diminish the importance and awkwardness of the whole conversation.

**It's okay, Deeks. You just imagined things that never existed. Hum, i have to go but I'll come back tomorrow, **said Kensi getting up, trying to leave the soonest possible, before he started asking questions she wouldn't be able to answer.

**Yeah, see you tomorrow, **said the detective as Kensi closed the door.

**Not awkward at all..., **murmured Deeks to himself.

_You really made an idiot of yourself, Deeks. How much strange it must have been for her when I told her that I loved her, _thought Deeks passing his hand over his face.

If Kensi really wasn't his fiancé, why was his heart so hurt when she left?

*

Another chapter finished. And no, the drama isn't finished yet, but soon. I promised. In the next chapter, there will be more details about Deeks' interrogation about his memories and Kensi's reaction to the last events. Hope you liked it. Please leave a review:)


	14. Chapter14

It's been two days since Deeks' confession. Two days days since Nell started to think about her plan. And today she found it. She just needed to be with Deeks alone for a moment and she'd be good.

Nell had called Kensi this morning, advertising her friend of her visit later today. She had been pleased to learn from her friend that she would be alone with the detective, Kensi leaving in the afternoon.

During this time, Deeks was replaying all the moments between Kensi and him since his reawakening in his head. Because, no matter how much she denied it, Kensi Blye kissed him back earlier with passion, but it wasn't what made Deeks confused. No, it was the feeling of familiarity when her lips touched his. He knows that their job must have obliged them to kiss undercover before, but it was more than that ; it was too familiar. he felt like he already knew her lips by heart and loved it.

But why would she lies? That was the famous question that the detective had been replaying in reboot over and over without finding an answer. If they were in love, why would she be lying about this? She should be happy about his recovery. She should be happy that he hadn't forgot her. She should be in his arms right now, never leaving them again. So why was his partner gone leaving him alone with his thoughts? Now thinking so much about his beautiful partner ( and maybe lover ) made Deeks ache for her. If she is not my girlfriend, then shes must have been really important to me, because she's always on my mind. Maybe best friend?, thought Deeks.

Exhausted by all the thinking of the last hour, the LAPD liaison decided to go to sleep. But his little redhead friend had other plans for him. Nell's gentle knocks on the door woke him up. Can I come in?, asked the analyst unsure if Deeks remembered her. Of course, come in, Nell, replied the detective still clouded by sleep.

I'm happy to see you. How could I forget my favorite redhead on earth?, Deeks said playfully to his friend when she was seated beside his bed a few seconds later. I'm happy to see you too, Deeks. I missed you a lot, I was so worried. I'm okay now, almost remember everything.

Really?, retorted Nell surprised by this revelation. Did Kensi change her plan? Did she tell him everything?

Yeah, I remember the team with Sam and Callen, Eric and you upstairs, Hetty our boss and... Kensi, my partner, continued the blond man. Your partner... , insisted the analyst. Yeah, only my partner. Why?, Deeks asked curious. Damn it, Kensi! What did you tell him?

Actually, Deeks... , started Nell.

* * *

I'm coming!, Kensi said loudly getting up to answer the door, leaving her couch and ice cream for later.

Mom? What are... come in, the federal agent invited, when the surprise of seeing her mom subsisted.

The brunette led her mom to the kitchen table, where both women sat with a new coffee in hand.

How are you doing, sweetie?, started Julia. I'm good, answered Kensi, conscious of her messy hair and red eyes telling otherwise.

Really, because you seem a bit... shaken, wondered Miss. Feldman. Is it Deeks? Kensi didn't answer looking everywhere, but at her mother. She was obviously avoiding Julia's eyes.

What are you afraid of, baby girl? I already know your secret. You really thought that me and Nell would let you destroy everything you have in this life, the thing making you the happiest?, thought Julia.

Baby?, Kensi's mother called. The federal agent finally looked up, but where she thought would have been concern in her mother's, instead was understanding. Kensi supported Julia's gaze during about a minute, before letting the first tears fall.

How do you know?, asked Kensi in a broken voice. Nell, simply retorted her mom. The tall brunette exhaled deeply letting her know her displeasure. Kensi, what are you doing? Why are you doing that?

Because I love him, mom, murmured Kensi defeated. Miss. Feldman said nothing, letting her daughter continue. I love him so much, it hurts, mom. Every time I close my eyes and imagine a future without him, I cry in pain. Do you think I do it, because I'm heartless?

No baby, I am just wondering why you would do this to him if you say that you love Deeks so much? Because i don't have any other choices, mom! He was going to end us, mom. He called off her engagement before our last mission. All I'm doing is letting him go without the pain of our break-up. He won't remember me and our dreams. He won't remember all the promised I made him and then called off. He won't remember all the things that I refused him, things he deserves more than anything.

Baby..., Julia whispered taking her shaking daughter in her arms. I understand your reasons baby, but it's not strong enough to beat all the other reasons to tell him everything. The connection you have with Martin is so deep, baby girl. You two went through difficult situations before already, Martin and you can figure it out.

But what if we can't, mom? I don't want to see him walk away from me if we are not able to talk or can't find a solution. I'd rather go blind than see him walk away from me.

Julia let her daughter cry in her arms and waited till she pulled herself together and dried her tears before telling her where Nell was and why.

Baby, I have something to tell you...

* * *

I'm sorry, Deeks, finished Nell. The LAPD detective stayed frozen in his bed, shook to his core.

Engaged. It was way more than a girlfriend/boyfriend thing. They were engaged. And Martin Deeks knew that if he had asked Kensi Marie Blye to marry him, it was because he had knew that she was the one for him.

Why?, asked Deeks. Hum..., Nell wasn't following him.

Why did she do that? Why did she lie to me, repeated Deeks a trace of anger in his voice. Why, if she loved me, would she pretend that there had never been an us before?

She was protecting you and... herself, responded Nell softly.

Protecting me?, shouted Deeks, showing how much the turn of events was affecting him. How was she protecting me exactly? Because to me its seems like she wanted to dump me and grasped the occasion given to her, continued the detective. And that thought hurts even more than thinking they had never been in a relationship before.

How could you think that?, asked Kensi erupting in his room with her mom behind her. Julia and Nell exchanged an accomplice look an a small smile, both women proud of their stratagem.

How could you think for a minute, for a second, that I don't love you?, repeated Kensi louder this time, tears purling at her eyes. Deeks didn't answer, too angry to answer.

Because I love you so much Martin Deeks that every time I think of you with another woman, happy and in love, a woman who isn't me, a woman who hasn't let the best man in her life go, I am sick.

Then why, Kensi?, asked Deeks. Because you're not making any sense right now.

You called off our wedding, Deeks. You broke up with me, because I wasn't enough for you. Why would I want you to remember everything?, asked Kensi crying, fearing of seeing him walk away for good now that he knew all the story.

I called off the wedding, because we needed to talk before tying the knot. I wasn't breaking up with you, Kensi. I needed you too much to leave you. You were my life, damn it!

You used the past tense, the brunette said brokenly crying harder when Deeks finished. This is over.

I don't know what I should be thinking right now, Kens. You were ready to let me go without fighting for me. What does that tell me?

I never wanted to let you go, Deeks.

Do you still want to marry me, Kens?, Deeks asked, having the need to know.

Of course, Martin Deeks. I'd marry you now if you'd tell me that you still want me, immediately answered Kensi knowing that her answer was important.

Are you willing to talk with me and figure out how we are going to make it work?

Yes.

Then it's not over. There's still hope that we can make it through, Kensi. I don't want to lose you, Deeks finished.

And I don't want to lose you.

I love you. I love you.

* 

_The end? _

* * *


End file.
